Blogginggggg.... umm I don't know what to say. College Apps are supposed to be freaking me out but somehow they aren't. I'm just stuck in the belief that the deadlines are still far away. I mean I guess that is partly true but I think I also want to stay with my friends forever and not have to worry about all the responsibility. Then again I can't wait to get out of my house and set my own schedule. I read a book recently...it made me think. In case you haven't noticed this is just random thoughts and I encourage you to waste time elsewhere. I keep seeing previews for this movie where the currency becomes time and you only have 25 years to spend. That seems like a really cool concept to me. Mock Trial team assignments come out tomorrow. I guess I'm a little nervous but I already found out what team I made. Turns out if you bug the right people long enough you can find out anything. Being in PSEO is weird. Sometimes I love it and other times I end up pounding my fist against the steering wheel because I'm so mad at the traffic and I just want to get back in time to go to some club or activity or whatever. Well I guess there isn't really anything else going on in my life except that Pavlovian conditioning totally works on cats. Or at least on my cat. Okay well that's all. Weird how no one spells out okay anymore isn't it? Well bye sorry for this!

Battle Dress

               My palms were sweating, my mind raced and my hands were shaking so badly you could hear the paper in them rustling. I was willing to give anything to be home and out of these dress shoes but I had to face my fear.

In tenth grade I joined my schools Mock Trial team after a friend begged me to come to one meeting. It seemed fun and I had plenty of time so I decided to give it a try. A few weeks in we had try-outs with an affidavit from the year before. We all had to try out as both witnesses and lawyers. At this point I had figured out that being a witness was way less stressful, involved little public speaking and was an overall smaller role. As someone who was terrified of public speaking I thought this would be the role for me. But after try-outs I was asked to join the team as a lawyer. I protested vehemently, explaining that I had no speaking skills, that it would be a disaster and they would regret it but my coaches were unrelenting.

                Throughout practices I began to learn what it meant to be a lawyer in court. I learned how to direct a witness and how to think on my feet to cross-examine an unknown peer. I got excited and felt powerful as I stood in front of my friends reciting my questions. I loved going to practice and worked on Mock Trial every chance I got; then competition season was upon us.

                On December 18^th I stood outside the school bus in my new court clothes. The coaches and my returning teammates kept calling it “battle dress” and I couldn’t see why. I made my way onto the bus and found a place to sit by a second year who always was ready to answer my questions and help me improve. As the trip got underway the bus came alive with the sounds of a court room. All around me teammates were practicing. Shouts of “I OBJECT!” came from both ends of the bus and I began to worry. I looked around and saw how impressive everyone was. They all knew what they were going to say and just how they were going to say it. How was I supposed to stand up next to them and even create coherent sentences? And then we were there.

                I dreaded every step we took towards the court room and every minute that passed. Opening statements were made. The first witness needed to be called. This was it. My hands were shaking, my mouth was dry, but then I remember what our attorney coach had told me, “Sami, something is inside of you that needs a chance to speak,” and I let that something take over. I delivered my questions with a searing intensity that nobody could miss and I felt on top of the world. My team didn’t win that trial, but I was a whole new person. Confidence rushed through my every vein and I was secure in my identity. I couldn’t wait for our next trial when I would get to stand up and show the other team how strong I was. I knew I would never be underestimated again and that’s when I knew why they call it battle dress. I had won the battle for freedom from my insecurity and I would never retreat. 

A Life of Instinct

On Friday, Professor Peterson talked about the idea of conscious versus unconscious behavior. He expressed the idea that most actions are actually unconscious however we have been conditioned to rationalize our behavior. Since we have the ability to communicate with others, we have been asked "Why did you do that?" But, what if we don't actually know because we do not consciously decide to act.

This question has been explored by investigating the behaviors and justifications made by people who have had their corpus callosum severed in their brains. This procedure is often done to remedy seizure issues or other localized brain damage but is always a last resort. After this procedure has been completed, most tasks are carried out naturally however, if stimuli only reach one side of the brain, considerable side-effects are noticed.  Someone who is shown a picture of a bird and an orange may be unaware of seeing the orange because it could not reach the left side of the brain where the ability to recognize objects is located. This same person when asked to draw what they had seen may still draw an orange if asked to do so with their left hand which only communicates with the right side of the brain.  

Dr. Gazzaniga’s Research with split brain patients.

                If conscious action is not what dictates one’s life, than what is free will? Does this mean humanity is reduced to a series of rationalized instincts? I believe that actions become unconscious due to learned behaviors. Much like Pavlovian conditioning, as a task is completed repeatedly, we no longer need to consciously think about our actions because we’ve done it so many times before. Under this mindset, conscious action is still very real but the human brain simply becomes more efficient over time much like long-term potentiation. Once the brain has learned a task it no longer requires conscious attention to execute it. As the concept is investigated further, more answers will be uncovered, but I, for one, will always believe that I am in conscious control of my own life. Otherwise what’s the point?